First, I have been flat out busy with travel and the Desperation conference and (2) because this is such a “gut level” issue that I wanted to really put all of my ducks in a row before posting this discussion. Some aspects of divorce are concrete and simple to know the answer to. Others, like the subject of abuse, is not quite as simple and let me say from the beginning, should be an issue that is dealt with on a situational basis, with mature Christ centered leaders, Pastors and counselors. So if you came looking for a quick formula that says marriage + abuse=3D divorce permission, you will be disappointed. Hopefully, I can bring a level of clarity to this issue for many of you and a reality check to others.
Let me begin by saying abuse, any level of abuse, is a very painful and damaging experience and way more prevalent than most of us consider on a daily basis. Jane and I have sat with countless people over the years and seen firsthand the sadness and pain in their eyes. It is a completely helpless feeling and for people like me who are “fixers”, it can drain the very life out of me. I can only offer hope in Jesus, hope for the miraculous and comfort in the midst of hurt. Abuse is expressed in many different ways: emotional, physical, sexual, every facet of our being that was created to be “whole” has the potential to be “broken” through abuse. In fact, I believe that on many levels, Jesus’ mission statement in Luke 4 was an announcement that he has come to restore those that have experienced “abuse” and find themselves broken.
The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.“
The question that is often asked is this: “What if someone is being abused? Are they obligated to stay in the marriage or can they leave and divorce biblically?” Right off the bat this is a loaded question.
Let me set this up with asking a few question:
1. How do we define “Biblical”?
2. How do we define “abuse”?
3. Is there a difference between leaving and “divorcing”?
4. What does “marriage” mean?
Let me give you my answer to these questions. First, “biblical” defined has two applications: Direct and Indirect. Does the Bible directly speak to this specific issue or not. If it does, that is “directly biblical”. If it does not directly answer the question or address the topic, the second thing to look for in determining if it is “biblical” is , “does it address the general issue, the larger issue or set precedent that would include the specific? This would be indirect. The answer to the question is this: The Bible does not clearly, or directly address the issue of divorce and abuse. more on that in a moment.
Answer to the second question: How do we define abuse? Several different answers to this question because this is a slippery concept. Physical violence is a no brainer. Physical control, using strength and pain to control a persons actions or movements is definitive abuse. It gets a little foggier when we move into the realm of the emotional and verbal territory. I am not saying that there isn’t real abuse that is verbal and emotional, but it becomes very subjective and difficult to prove or even define. Some would say that “yelling” is abuse. Some would say “not talking or yelling” is abuse. Some would say that any lack of communication is neglect and that is emotional abuse. Like I said, abuse is a slippery concept and definitely loaded. When dealing with Domestic violence, my advice is,( which I believe is indirectly biblical and compatible with the nature and the heart of the New Testaments teaching on marriage: ”husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life…”) “If you feel that you or your children’s physical safely is endangered, you must get to a safe place to protect yourself until the situation can be confronted.” I am not saying you automatically should file for divorce and give up on the marriage. I believe
God’s best is reconciliation and that sometimes requires tough love to get ahold of a persons attention. It may require legal action, it will require a lot of counseling and spiritual direction but not impossible. That should be the goal. Those that feel that they are being emotionally abused or verbally abused, unless they feel that that threats are becoming violent and physical, should seek to receive spiritual counsel or mediation. This could be a Pastor, counselor or mentor, but you are going to need some arbitration to help you re-learn to communicate. I know this: Hurt people and angry people project onto those who are closest to them. I think we need to be careful about labeling things “abuse”. Let me be clear: anything sexual that is not consensual between married couples is out of bounds and should not be tolerated. Anything physical that is about control and involves pain and violence, is unacceptable. If you fall into this category, get safe and get help. Beyond that though, we should strive to receive help from those we respect spiritually. i have had women tell me that their husband is verbally abusive to them, and in reality, they didn’t like the fact that they said something mean in the middle of a dispute. This is wrong and should not be the way we communicate, but not necessarily abuse. There are legitimate situations where abuse is emotional and ongoing and ultimately leads to more breakdown of the relationship. Sin never stays stagnant. it either grows or dies.
In any case, before someone should give up on their marriage, even in cases of suspected abuse, I would recommend that you go the distance to get the marriage fixed with outside help. If you must, separate to stay safe with the goal being reconciliation. If they refuse to reconcile or get help, pray like you have never prayed before. Get counsel from your pastor. Get help for yourself.
We are a divorce happy society and I think we need to turn the tide on this curse. Our kids need to see commitment lived out. They also need to see that God is able to change difficult situations and change people. Unfortunately, sometimes those people and those commitments get thrown on the fire and forgotten. I hope this gives clarity. Shoot me specific questions and I will attempt to answer them.
I serve as Lead Pastor of Radiant Church in Richland, MI. This blog is a vehicle for me to extend resources to the church and give more insight into my world. ^_*